OK......I GET IT!

In the weeks since my hip replacement surgery, I've been struggling with issues related to physical recovery and rehabilitation of muscles used either too little or ill-used in order to compensate for my arthritic hobble. Even as I regain muscle strength and stamina, I've still been plagued with what I cannot do that I feel I 'should ' be able to do at this stage in my recovery. For instance, I 'should' be back at my bench making jewelry by now. After all, I'm back at work full time, walking the dog most days, twice a day, on increasingly brisker and longer walks, starting to work grooming horses and the occasional barn chore back into my to-do list, taking fewer and fewer naps, etc.

Last week I went to an exhibit at Shelburne Museum with a friend, and after two hours of art gazing and walking through the grounds, I was completely taken aback to find myself all wobbly and trembling with exhaustion. So taken aback, that I didn't want to admit to myself or my friend that I'd reached the end of my physical endurance for the day. However, my friend Amy did notice that I was taking rest breaks while she went to look at gardens along the path. We decided to take a break for lunch as we'd seen the exhibits we'd agreed were must-see. On the 15 or 20 minute drive to the restaurant, I kept telling myself, that I'd feel just fine if I could only have a cup of tea. Once we got to the restaurant, I was so tired that I couldn't think straight. I managed to order a cup of tea and something for lunch. We carried our drinks out to the restaurant terrace and sat down at a table. My tea (in a paper to-go cup) was much too hot to sip out of the lid spout. I was determined to take the lid off so it could cool faster. Smart thinking, right? Well, the damn thing was so hot, I couldn't really get a good grip on it and so in my muddled state of mind, I scrabbled around at it and managed to dump most of the steaming contents into my lap. The only thing that saved me from extensive second degree burns, was the timely arrival of another customer who promptly doused my steaming pant leg with ice water and the helpful intervention of the restaurant waitstaff with more first aid.

I thought the moral of this story was that I should be sensible and listen to my body, pay attention to when I'd done enough and rest. Heaven knows, enough people had give me that very pertinent and valuable advice. My primary care physician had even gone so far to suggest that this recovery period was 'a magical time'. I tried hard not to be cynical about that, but that was a little far out for me to appreciate when it was said. I was still too focused on getting to where I thought I should be.

That is until yesterday. I went to a horse show to watch my daughter ride and be as helpful as I could as her gopher. I got up early, bustled about the grounds of the farm where the event was being held. Once there, I ran into my friend, Scott whose horse crazy daughter was also riding at that event. Scott and I had worked together in the past and he is someone who is just a real mensch. Simple as that. As we stood on the sidelines of the cross country course and chatted, I really got going on about my surgery and recovery. I heard myself tell him what a positive experience it had been - how I'd dealt with my pre-op anxiety with hypnosis and how well cared for I felt by my surgeon, the nursing staff at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Hospital,
my family and the staff from the Addison Home Health organization. All things I'd said to other friends before, and all true.

Then, on my way to work this morning, it hit me (no, it didn't occur to me, it hit me like a sledge hammer on a brick wall) that I'd been thinking about my recovery all wrong. Those shaky episodes of exhaustion weren't really about listening to my body and resting. They were - and are - about appreciation. They are opportunities to reflect on, savor and be grateful for the pain free activity that I'd just been blessed with. Was I tired and foot sore when I stopped for a conversation with Scott? You bet I was. But, I was also standing in the middle of an extensive, green and rolling cross-country course that I'd traversed end-to-end once already that day on a beautiful day. I'd played with a pupppy, groomed a horse, cheered on riders, supported my daughter, seen her supported by her friends and watched her pass on the support & encouragement to fellow-competitors. It was a grand day so far and I realized that being tired was a chance to stop and savor it all right in the moment!!

Of course, that analysis didn't happen until the following day, but now, I GET IT!! I get what my doctor was saying....this is indeed a magical time. Miraculous, even. I'd gone from measuring everything I did in terms of what the pain of arthritis would cost me; what I'd have to forego for everything I chose to do. And here I was tired and a little shaky, but having spent a whole morning being active, outdoors and pain free. That is a miracle!! I have a new hip - stainless steel or titanium or whatever it is and my whole life is opening up to me again. I was just too focused on my desired outcome to be without limits or whatever I was calling it at the time to see what an exciting and expansive time this is in my life. I hope I'll remember this lesson for the rest of my recovery and the rest of my life....generalizing it to whatever situation I am about to kvetch and complain about because it doesn't meet my preconceived notions of what life should be. Every moment is an opportunity to stop, be grateful and open yourself up to the wonder of the universe.

Namaste,
Helen